It’s the time of year for lighthearted relief and I thought I’d share some of the gems that I’ve come across from 2000. Just some of the things people said from Beckham to Barcelona, Brooking to Best, with a twist of me. Like some of the timeless classics from days gone by, you just can’t argue with logic. Who can forget when snooker became popular on television before colour sets were the norm – “For those of you watching in Black and White, the Pink ball is behind the Blue.” Enjoy.
“Historically, host nations do well in Euro 2000.” Trevor Brooking [A standard that may well be applied to all future Euro finals.]
“Super Caley Go Ballistic, Celtic Are Atrocious.” Newspaper after Celtic’s cup defeat by Inverness Caledonian Thistle [The fields are alive with the sound of music.]
“I really like the clothes he wears, apart from my underwear. He keeps pinching my knickers.” Victoria ‘Posh Spice’ Beckham [Have we discovered Beckham’s secret to bending the ball?]
“I would like to have Brooklyn christened but I’m not sure which religion yet.” David Beckham [Modern Shakespeare for “to be or not to be”]
“Beckham cannot kick with his left foot, can’t head the ball, can’t tackle and he doesn’t score enough goals. Otherwise he’s all right.” George Best [that’s easy for you to say, Bestie]
“If I have sex on the night before a game, I lose all feeling in my feet.” Arsenal’s Freddie Ljungberg [Don’t let it go to your head, Freddie]
“Glenn Hoddle was better with his feet than he is with his mouth.” PR guru Max Clifford [Now I had heard that Hoddle’s feet could sing but this is ridiculous – perhaps there is a message here for Freddie Ljungberg]
“I’d love to play abroad for one of the big Italian clubs like Barcelona.” Aston Villa’s Mark Draper [Even the home games could involve a lot of travel, and of course there’s the language barrier, I guess I’ll stay at Aston Villa and play in the Scottish League.]
“I would dispute that footballers have terrible taste in music. In the car at the moment I’ve got The Corrs, Cher, Phil Collins, Shania Twain and Rod Stewart.” Andy Gray [They don’t make cars like they used to Andy, sort of a compilation sedan.]
“He is in good spirits.” Hospital spokesman on the condition of George Best [George is always on my mind, George is always on my mind – work with me here, it’s Christmas]
“Even Mother Teresa would fail a medical the way Spurs conduct them.” John Hartson’s agent explaining why Tottenham would not sign his man. [Pretty high standards, I think you’ll agree – we wouldn’t want Spurs players to show too many signs of life.]
“That was the worst 7-2 win I’ve ever seen.” Simon Greenberg after Tottenham versus Southampton. [And I thought I got to see a lot of soccer games – even John Hartson might have got one]
“I’ve been fascinated by leather and discovering the creations of Jean-Claude Jitrois was for me some kind of a revelation.” Emmanuel Petit. [Reason for interest in becoming professional football player # 12,085: Fascination for Leather]
“He’s using his strength and that is his strength, his strength.” Kevin Keegan. [Insightful comment with no obvious weakness]
“There is no transfer activity at all. It’s so quiet I’ve been phoning myself up and disguising my voice to create a bit of interest.” QPR manager Gerry Francis. [Somebody please get Gerry caller ID for Christmas]
“Who?” Zinedine Zidane when asked about the rumour that, when younger, he had been rejected by Gerry Francis at Tottenham. [Perhaps QPR got the call]
“I wouldn’t take the England job because of what it does to your social life; a couple of bad results and you can’t go out in the evening.” Peter Reid [Now if I lived in Italy, that would be ok]
“The players are all wearing rubbers tonight.” Terry Butcher on England’s game in Finland [You have to play it safe when you’re away from home]
“Simeone is bleeding. Good. I’ve never liked him.” Frank McLintock on BSkyB [Friendly unbiased commentary – I hope for Simeone’s sake he doesn’t score]