MLB Week 5 Sluggers and Slugs
Major League Baseball gave us some great action as we moved into the second month of the season.
The most noteworthy moment of the week was Oakland Athletics‘ Dallas Braden throwing a perfect game against the best team in baseball, the Tampa Bay Rays. I’ll get into “My Mound” Braden in detail on the Wednesday pod-cast.
Two of the games best hitters, Manny Ramirez and Joe Mauer, made their return to the diamond from injury this week.
Baseball in California is still backwards and progressively getting worse for two of the supposed power houses. Which one of those Cali teams stays in top of the “Penthouse” power rankings and which ones are closer to being in the “Cellar?”
The Texas Rangers are being lead to the top by an Angel.
Who were this week’s “Heros and Zeros?”
Penthouse Pimpin’ and Cellar Dwellers
No. 1 – Although they were shown how the game is played perfectly by the Athletics on Sunday, the As remain at the top. If you have the best record in baseball and are doing so in the AL East, you’ve earned it.
No. 2 – The biggest surprise in baseball is the San Diego Padres. Somehow they are only half-a-game-back for the best record in the National league. The Padres organization needs to sell more tickets before the fans realize that most of these guys used to be postal workers and accountants.
No. 3 – It was only a matter of time before the New York Yankees returned to the penthouse top 3. They did so by improving their record this season against the rival Boston Red Sox by 4 of 6. The entire Yankees roster looks like they’re going to a Playboy party. Everyone is hot.
No. 28 – Kansas City Royals – No. 29 Baltimore Orioles – No. 30 Houston Astros – These three teams remain at the bottom of the cellar. All three of these squads function like a 90-year-old man — just because you have the equipment, doesn’t mean it works.
This week three teams that I had high expectations for this season are barreling towards the bottom. The Los Angeles Dodgers, Los Angeles Angels and Seattle Mariners are all hot chicks who preach abstinence. We know you want to put out, so just do it already.
The Dodgers are desperate for starting pitching; the Angels need their pitchers to stop treating the majors like a keg league, and the Mariners need a slugger more than Larry King needs Viagra. Any of these teams is one bad week away from joining the cellar.
Heros and Zeros
The Rangers big off-season acquisition was former Angels OF, Vladimir Guerrero. This week he led the surge to the top of the AL West by hitting .360 with 4 HRs and 13 RBIs. Vlad’s approach at the plate is similar to a blind man in a brothel; he’ll swing his stick at anything.
As good as the Padres pitching has been this season, I bet they wish they still had Jake Peavy. Peavy had been struggling, but this week he pitched like the Padres ace he was — posting a 1.20 ERA, notching 2 wins with 17 strikeouts.
Braden did something that’s been done only 19 times in the history of baseball by throwing perfect game. Braden had a 1.69 ERA in 16 innings with 9 strikeouts. Frozen in time will be the image of him celebrating with his grandma after the game, along with a quote from grandma telling Alex Rodriguez to “Stick It.”
Derek Jeter could possibly have the greatest life in the world — five World Series Rings, wealthy and dating some of the hottest chicks on the planet. One bad week won’t ruin him. In 26 official at-bats, Jeter only had 4 hits and 2 RBIs, bringing his batting average below .300.
The Angels treated Felix Hernandez like a POW (prisoner of war) — tortured, beat and knocked out quickly. Hernandez went 3.1 innings yielding 3 HRs for 7 earned. Not even John McCain would have made it out alive.
With Ramirez out of the Dodgers lineup, “Mr. Clutch,” Andre Ethier, filled the void. Ethier hit .455 with a walk-off grand slam to give the pitcherless Dodgers and their fans something to cheer about.
This off-season, the Philadelphia Phillies will be faced with having to re-sign or let Jayson Werth walk for more money. Werth is proving to be worth a lot this week by hitting .360 with 4 HRs and 9 RBIs. If he continues to have weeks like this, someone should Photoshop in some pinstripes, because he is prime Yankees’ meat.
Forty-seven-year-old Jamie Moyer became the oldest man to pitch a two- hit-complete game. I didn’t think Moyer was capable of going the distance anymore; there must be some sort of treatment for his arm to help him get it up (similar to what Larry King uses).
Adrian Gonzalez may grow some of the best facial hair in the league, but his goatee didn’t help him at all at the dish. Gonzalez hit a pitiful .150 with no HRs and no RBIs. The Padres dreams of staying competitive will fade out with this kind of production just like Jncos and No Fear T-Shirts (worst idea ever).
The ace of the Atlanta Braves’ staff, Derek Lowe, no relation to Rob from “Wayne’s World,” had a terrible start against division foe Philadelphia. Lowe surrendered 7 runs while only striking out 2 and walking 2. The Braves need the pitching staff to step it up — their offensive guys couldn’t get hits for a local little league team.