NFL Conversations That Never Happened This Offseason
It’s been a while since I’ve put in an installment of “Conversations That Never Happened”. Considering the recent offseason events in the NFL it wouldn’t be right if we didn’t speculate the heck out of them, right? Who are we without a little salacious fantasy?
I figure that we’ve got three really interesting storylines going in the NFL. San Diego releases LaDainian Tomlinson, Donte Stallworth gets reinstated all too easily, and Tim Tebow is getting more chances than a coked-out Baldwin brother.
I’m HIGHLY interested in what happens with LDT, laughing at how everyone’s handling Tim Tebow, and wondering how the Commissioner dealt with Donte Stallworth. Let’s have a listen:
Roger Goodell Negotiates Donte Stallworth’s Reinstatement
The players in this scene are Roger Goodell, his “yes man”–every great coward needs a “yes man”–and Donte himself.
Donte– Mr. Goodell, thank you for meeting with me today. I’m so excited to have this opportunity to speak with you and show that I am ready to reenter the league. I hope that I have shown you how truly sorry I am that my actions disappointed you, the league, my teammates, and our fans.
Yes Man– *nodding*
Roger– That’s right Donte. Basically, you’re the lowest form of life there is. You’re just some stupid kid who happens to be athletically talented. It makes me sick that you losers can even make your way in this world, but somehow you have. I’d be more upset, but your father is a legend and if I mess with you too much the city of Pittsburgh will come hunt me down.
Yes Man– *nodding*
Roger– With that said, I’m going to reinstate you effective immediately. I am pleased with your progress, and maybe one day you can become a human being in my eyes.
Donte– Uh, thank you…
*after Dante leaves the room*
Roger– Call all the team offices and tell them not to sign him for a couple days just to make him sweat it out.
Yes Man– I totally agree!
The Chargers Try To Decide How To Let LDT Go
The parts are played by A.J. Smith, Dean Spanos, and A.J.’s secretary outside A.J.’s office.
Dean– *leaning against the wall* This is a hard day, man. I can’t believe it’s been all these years with LaDainian. It’s really going to hurt to let him go, but I guess it has to be done.
A.J.– *mumbling from inside his office* Who cares? We can replace football players. I mean, was he really that special?
Dean– Well, I’d say that the MVP, 12,000 rushing yards, and 150 touchdowns are pretty special. I know you’re a cold, heartless bastard A.J., but could you have a little compassion for the man? His career’s probably over and we just squeezed every drop of life we could get out of this guy.
A.J.– What do you care?
A.J.’s Secretary– *scribbling on a post-it note*
Dean– We have to care about people here, A.J. We can’t just toss people in the trash like they’re Kleenex! Maybe I should do the press conference announcing his release? I don’t want everyone to think we’re all as pitiful as you.
A.J.– Fine, whatever.
Secretary– *Holding up the post-it note for Dean Spanos to see*: “Help! I’m being held against my will!”
The Media Blitz To Redeem Tim Tebow
After his pathetic performance at the Senior Bowl some people still aren’t ready to give up on Tim Tebow. I already did, but I’m smart like that!
The players in this scene are Kevin Reilly (Entertainment President for Fox) and Les Moonves (President of CBS).
Kevin– Hey Les. What the hell are we going to do about this Tebow kid. Seriously, how the hell are we supposed to get any ratings in the NFL next season if this sucks?
Les– Don’t worry about Kev, few Heisman winners make it in the league and we’ve got plenty of pull. Remember, the Super Bowl was the highest rated show ever.
Kevin– Yeah Les, but Rupert Murdock isn’t your boss.
Les– Yeah, good point.
Kevin– Hey, I’ve got an idea. Let’s send out a bunch of radio and print “moles” to keep the dream alive for Tim Tebow.
Kevin– Let’s hire a bunch of people to call into sports radio shows and write online about how Tim Tebow is going to be the man. We’ll just make him into more an underdog than he already is.
Les– Damn you’re good!
Kevin– I know. That’s why we have the better football contract AND the baseball contract.
No, I wouldn’t put it past…
…Roger Goodell. I think he’s a schemer. Yes, I do think Roger Goodell is a closet bigot. Yes, I think he’s a total coward.
I wouldn’t be the least bit shocked if A.J. Smith could care less about LDT. A.J. Smith probably thinks he owns the Chargers. Doesn’t he just look like a scary dude–like “serial killer scary”?
And yes, I think there are moles out there keeping the “Tim Tebow can play QB in the NFL story alive”. The networks need it bad. They need storylines even more than the league because the league already has their money.
The devil’s in the details folks. It’s all in the details.