Fat Bastard’s Got a Buyout and James Bond Takes Over The NFL

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Fat Bastard’s Got a Buyout and James Bond Takes Over The NFL

As I closed my college picks last week I said “Notre Dame still sucks!” and with that proclamation I had no idea that ND would actually get worse, but they did.  Now the Golden Domers, appalled over another bad loss, are considering getting rid of Weis (a.k.a. Fat Bastard) and paying him that ridiculous buyout.  (Yes, I think he eats babies!)  Besides the fact that they were dumb enough to give it to him in the first place I’d say that the $18 million they would owe him is prohibitive on all fronts.

Just think about it for a second.  You pay Fat Bastard $18 million to go away and then you have to pay another new coach a couple million to come in and fix this train wreck.  If you believe Urban Meyer then you also believe that ND is his dream job.  Well, if goes on to win another title at Florida this year he might well be over it and want a “new challenge” (which is the stupidest thing I’ve heard by the way.  I’m tired of people who want to be challenged all the time.  Does he have any idea what a challenge it is to just keep Florida where he’s got it right now?)

So, if you get Meyer to come to South Bend how much do you pay him?  $6 million?  He would be the game’s first $6 million man and rightfully so since he will probably have won 3 titles in 4 years (which is freaking impossible in college football these days.)  Well, then you would have spent $24 million on Head Coaching in less than 12 months.  That is just ridiculous…but we’re dealing with the Catholic Church here people!  Just using the dividends on their real estate holdings ought to pay for this $24 million mess they’re in.  Plus, they could easily hit the pews and say “We’re taking a special collection for the Golden Domers” and they’d have that money raised lickety split.  (Nevermind that there are starving children in Africa or anything.)

Alright, let’s say that Meyer’s tells him “Hell to the no you’re moving us to freaking Siberia!  I’m not moving!”  and they stay in Gainesville (the smart choice by the way) then who does Notre Dame hire?  Anybody who would want that job is crazy.  The academic standards are too high to field a successful college football team in today’s game and alot of people probably look at Notre Dame like the Raiders and Browns…it’s the place where people go because they don’t think they’ll ever get another chance to be a head coach.  I have a solution to Notre Dame’s problem…

George O’Leary.


Remember way back when.  George O’Leary had beaten Georgia a few times while at Georgia Tech and he almost had Joe Hamilton win the Heisman.  He took the call to South Bend and over some inaccuracies on his resume he was compelled to resign by somebody deep within the bowels of the Golden Dome.  Remember what happened next?

They hired Ty Willingham, he did good, then he had one bad year and they fired him.  Then they hired Fat Bastard, he had a couple good years and then they gave him the stupid extension that includes this $18 million buyout.  Yep, that’s the one.  Well, first off, if I were Ty Willingham I’d sue for racial discrimination (but that’s just me.)  Second, you took a guy who was an Offensive Coordinator for someone who does not produce quality Head Coaches (Bill Belichick) who was lucky enough to have Tom Brady for a Quarterback.  For all the crapping I do on Tom Brady, he doesn’t suck…you ever think that he was making Charlie Weis look good and not the other way around?

{Somewhere in here Paul Hornung dropped his pants…}

So, if you’re George O’Leary I’d just call ND and say “See what you did to yourself?  You want to apologize now?”  And by apology I mean hire O’Leary.  Heck, he might even give a discount just because he’s old and doesn’t care.  Will the Golden Domers oblige?  Nope, they’re clearly too stupid for that at this point.  It’s a shame really.  {I’d love to see Lou Holtz do one of the pep talks he does on College Gameday for the folks at ND because they need a kick in the pants.}

Move to the NFL.  Since my Hourglass Theory has been blown to smithereens I need a new theory for a completely different looking league than when I made the “Hourglass” announcement.  Well, I’ve got it figured out…it’s the “The Casino Royale to NFL Regular Season Corollary.”  No, not the campy Casino Royale with David Niven….the perfect “Casino Royale” with Daniel Craig.

I know, I know. We could sit here all day and have a debate about who the best Bond is. Sean Connery, Roger Moore, Pierce Brosnan, (maybe the odd Timothy Dalton…I did really enjoy License to Kill) but at the end of the day all of those guys didn’t play Bond in 100% harsh reality the way Daniel Craig did.
When bad things happened, they were bad. When he was in danger you thought (even though you knew better) that he was gonna die. Even though I knew Vesper was gonna die, I thought it was going to be WAY sooner in the movie because of all the peril they encountered that seemed so serious.
Now, like I said, we can have this debate all day about who’s the best Bond and we can also have a debate about which is the best Bond movie. For example, before “Casino Royale” I really enjoyed “The World is Not Enough” and “For Your Eyes Only” to name a couple. (Honestly, my favorite sequence in ANY Bond movie is the skiing montage in “For Your Eyes Only” where Eric is chasing Roger Moore through the ice and snow in Cortina with the cool 70’s chase music in the background. That sequence is so good that it actually stops halfway through to let Bond get on the lift up to the top of the ski jumping platform. You don’t get to just stop a long action sequence like that…unless it’s the best one EVER!)

After “Casino Royale” my favorite Bond movie BECAME “Casino Royale”.  I mean, that movie affected me…for like 2 weeks. It really messed me up. I used to laugh at the older, non-Craig movies, but I wasn’t laughing at this one. It was so good my wife enjoyed it and she HATES the old James Bond movies. HATES THEM!!! That’s how good this movie is. It can get your wife to appreciate a character like James Bond.

So, now we apply this logic to the NFL:

Every Season has its Bond
Every Season has its LeChiffre
Every Season has its M
Every Season has its Vesper
Every Season has its moment when Bond is getting his balls busted (literally) by LeChiffre and he miraculously escapes.

Oh, and every season has its Marcus. Who you think is your friend. I mean, you’re not sure about him at first, then he wins your trust and then he stabs you in the back. The best part about Marcus is that he’ll get his in the end…he always does.

{I know you think I’m forgetting Mr. White but I’ll get to him later.}[Even better is the fact that the NFL is fluid and these characters get new Actors just about every week…just like a Soap Opera: Only fitting since a lot of NFLers admit to watching Soap Operas on their off time.]

This week the part of James Bond is being portrayed by…The Indianapolis Colts
This week the part of LeChiffre is being portrayed by…The New England Patriots
This week the part of M is being portrayed by… The New Orleans Saints
This week the part of Vesper is being portrayed by…The Cincinnati Bengals
And this week the part of Mathis is being portrayed by…The Dallas Cowboys

We all see that the Colts are Bond and this week it was no more evident than when the Patriots allowed themselves to become even more “LeChiffre” than they already are. Bond was strapped to the chair and the Patriots were just going to town and busting the Colt’s balls all day long. Then they kicked over the chair in a fit of stupidity and suddenly they were dead. Going for it on 4th down deep in their own end and they screwed the pooch. Bond miraculously survives and he walks away scott free.

The Saints are giving a marvelous rendering of M as they sit back and wonder how the Colts are 9-0. Just like the movie when M sits at home and wonders how Bond hacked all her personal files. The Saints are thinking the same thing. “We thought we were the new Colts only the old Colts are still here…sh$#!!!!!”

The Bengals are warming up a dramatic rendition of Vesper. We’re so distracted by the plunging neckline (sweeping the Ravens and Steelers) that we’re forgetting about everyone else’s hand. The same will happen here. We fell in love and now we’re ready to ride off into the sunset with her. As I see it, she’ll be dead by the end of the movie, but only partially through fault of her own.

Then there’s Dallas in the role of Mathis. I talked so much smack about them, I didn’t trust them, and then they wooed me with their charms, but at some point they’re going to stab me in the back…I can just feel it. As soon as I really buy in they’re going to be slipping out the back door after they just ratted me out. It sucks really, but every good movie must have its share of villains. (However, when they do eat it…we’ll all cheer just a little!)

Now, I know I said I was leaving someone out and that would be the ever-present Mr. White…the one who is responsible for Vesper’s death and who (because he is evil) is hated by everyone watching the movie. {Let’s just put it this way, at the end of “Casino Royale” when Bond shoots Mr. White in the foot my wife cheered. Yeah, you see how good this Daniel Craig is at making women enjoy his movies.}

So, who is Mr. White? Who is the villain that everyone wants to see get his so badly? Who in the NFL could possibly be that dastardly? Larry Johnson. Yes, Larry Johnson. He isn’t contrite, he’s just a lunatic. At some point the Colts will put a bullet in the foot of one Mr. Johnson (probably in the playoffs) and he will be the cause of said grief because Vesper will be dead and we’ll all be going back to work at MI-6 in the morning. It’s bound to happen…just wait and see.

Check out my college and NFL picks after the jump…Here comes the college…

Can you believe it’s already time for Ohio State and Michigan? This year they’re in Ann Arbor and I fully expect Big Blue to bend over and take it like they know they should. Buckeyes destroy the Wolverines

Both Florida and Alabama have cupcakes on their schedule late in the year (FIU and UTC respectively.) Yes, they’ll kill these pitiful little programs, but when are we going to penalize them for playing teams that are WORSE than the teams in the Mountain West (where TCU and Utah play) or the WAC (where Boise State plays.) At this point it really disgusts me that these programs can do whatever they want. Oh I just hope Texas can lose and TCU can win out so we can get down to it. I want to see TCU play wither Florida or Bama for the title and I want it to be a good game so bad I can’t stand it!

What else is there to say?

In the NFL it’s a little more complicated… (I’m 95-47 after some teams did a “Mathis” on me last week!)

Miami @ Carolina: I didn’t pick this because it was Thursday, but I have to sort of respect the Panthers whether they win or lose.  I mean, it makes me pre-vomit a little, but I have to.

Atlanta @ Giants: The Giants are slumping more than the Falcons, but the Falcons took a beating to a team they should have killed and Eli Manning is the QB in New York. If you’re weighing them on the scales of Justice Eli Manning will outweigh Matt Ryan everytime. NYG – 24 ATL – 21

New Orleans @ Tampa: New Orleans is sitting back in their chair just staring at that padded leather door to their office at MI-6 and when Tampa comes through the door something will explode and kill only the Bucs. (You know you like the Bond references.) NO – 45 TB – 9

San Francisco @ Green Bay: Green Bay I used to like and San Francisco is pissing me off. Yes, pissing me off. I’m not sure how to articulate how angry it makes me to see Mike Singeltary-led 49ers teams go up and down like this. However, I trust the 49ers more than I trust the Packers (who I don’t get anymore “It’s like I don’t even know you!”) SF – 24 GB – 14

Seattle @ Minnesota: Brett Favre has a career day…whaddaya think? MIN – 52 SEA – 6

Cleveland @ Detroit: The firs thing I did when I saw this game on the schedule was the fake vomit face. You know, the one where you’re pretending you’re hurling because whatever it is you’re referencing is so disgusting that it just deserves it. Yeah, this game falls in that category. However, due to the “Gunther Cunningham rule” I have to pick Cleveland. CLE – 3 DET – 0

Buffalo @ Jacksonville: You wonder if the players in Jacksonville will be jealous of the players in Buffalo because their coach just got fired and Jack Del Rio is still with the Jags? Just a thought. BUF – 14 JAC – 9

Washington @ Dallas: The NFC East is strong/weak this season. I could give a crap about how Washington is in the Top 5 or whatever in total defense. What I want to hear about is how Dallas is Mathis and I want to trust them but I know they’re shady. UGH! I hate both of these teams right now. (This is me preparing to get stabbed in the back.) DAL – 27 WAS – 10

Indianapolis @ Baltimore: I still love the Jon Gruden line “If the Ravens wear their throwback jerseys they’re the Browns!” Beyond that there’s not much to smile about in Baltimore. This isn’t a sophomore slump for Joe Flacco (a.k.a. The Golden Boy) but it is a whole year slump from their defense. Ed Reed and Ray Lewis are Hall of Famers, but not this year. Sorry Ravens, you know Indy is Bond and if you recall the beginning of “Casino Royale” when the mole asks Bond “How did my informant die?” do you remember what Bond says? “Not…well.” IND – 38 BAL – 3

Arizona @ St. Louis: The Rams suck. Period. The End. ARI – 27 STL – 0

Jets @ New England: If Rex Ryan thinks he can cry like Dick Vermeil, let it leak to the media and then beat the Patriots he’s got another thing coming. {Remember, Bond laughed when LeChiffre was busting his balls and LeChiffre ended up dead.} I don’t think Rex Ryan is that cunning. NE – 18 NYJ – 13

Cincinnati @ Oakland: Oakland sucks. Period. The End. (Yes, I can use that twice in column. Yes, I can.) CIN – 31 OAK – 7

San Diego @ Denver: Denver’s pissed because they got knocked off their high-horse and Norv Turner still coaches the Chargers. When are we going to stop trusting Norv and start trusting Joshie? DEN – 17 SD – 0

Philadelphia @ Chicago: Jay Cutler vs. Donovan McNabb is not a good matchup for the Bears. Combine that with Lovie being on the hot seat, Andy Reid getting blamed for some stuff in Philly, a fire (Kevin Kolb) under Donovan’s rear, and Jay Cutler being the new Ryan Leaf and you’ve got a blowout on your hands. PHI – 41 CHI – 7 (BTW – that Chicago TD will be defensive and accidental.)

Tennessee @ Houston: Two teams that are pretty hot at the same time in the same division is a good matchup. But we know that the Titans have little to play for since they lost it all at the beginning of the season with their terrible start. The Texans have some kind of hope left. Now, the question is whether that drives the Texans or not. I say it drives them, but not as fast as this new Vince Young we’re seeing handing the ball off to Chris Johnson. TEN – 27 HOU – 24

Di di di di, that’s all folks! Come visit the General on Monday to wrap up all the action from the weekend in sports and catch a fun conversation about how desperately I want to see Florida play TCU for the Title.

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