Conversations That Never Happened and Other Stuff
I really want Urban Meyer and Lane Kiffin to sit down and hash it out...
Meyer: You little punk! How dare you call out my team, the Gators after we just beat you!
Kiffin: Because you thought you were going to put your foot where the sun don’t shine and you just sorta beat us. We played you tight and you didn’t like it. Then you said we were running a conservative offense to cover up the fact that your defense didn’t play very well. How could I not tweek you!?
Meyer: We don’t make excuses at the University of Florida!
Kiffin: Yeah, yeah, whatever. You said half your team had the swine flu because you didn’t like the fact that we played you close and you needed an excuse. We exposed you baby!
Meyer: You know full well that there is nothing you can do when your players are mortally ill!
Kiffin: Listen pal, I worked for Al Davis. The Swine Flu gets Al Davis, that’s what a pain in the ass he is. I defy you to find something more distracting. Your swine flu crap doesn’t hold water and you know it.
Meyer: Then why didn’t you just come straight out and accuse me of making excuses? Why this backhanded garbage?
Kiffin: Because then you wouldn’t be nearly as pissed off as you are right now. I love it!
Kiffin: Cool, now I can tell recruits you have anger issues! )
What if Bud Selig told the truth about PED’s… (this is Bud talking to his secretary…why? Because he’s lazy, why would he talk to the owners about this?
Bud: What am I going to do about PED’s?
Secretary: Well, there are legal ones you know. Why are you acting like everyone who uses them is a bad person? You said yourself that baseball is more exciting when more balls are going over the fence.
Bud: Because we live in “black and white” sweet cakes!
Secretary: No we don’t. You know there’s more grey than that. They can be prescribed to you and doctor’s have uses for them, you’re not going to mention that? Plus, since you allowed player’s contracts to be guaranteed, can you blame the players for doing whatever it takes to get an edge?
Bud: I know I allowed all of this to happen, but it would be too honest of me to take the blame for this mess.
Secretary: You’re right boss….honesty is not your best policy.
Maybe Bill Belichick should give all his old assistants a pep-talk. (Romeo Crennell, Josh McDaniels, Charlie Weis, and Eric Mangini are in attendance. )
Bill: Gentlemen, you all know very well that I do not have a soft spot in my heart for any one of you, primarily because I have no heart. Anyways, Stop copying me. It’s not working! I’m a sullen jackass…not you guys.
Romeo, you’re actually a nice guy! What made you think acting like me would even be remotely genuine?
Eric, you’re just some kid who got lucky when I hired you. Stop acting like you know something.
Josh, you’re an idiot! Do you know what I would have done to keep Jay Cutler if my only other option was Kyle Orton? Are you freaking kidding me?
Charlie…how the hell did you steal all that money from Notre Dame? I mean,you stumbled on Brady Quinn you lucky bastard and you know the only reasonyou accomplished anything was because of Tom Brady. You stupid idiot. Start coaching…you’re making me look bad!
In conclusion, you people suck. You’re uscking my energy, my reputation, and my patience. Get the %$^&$#$ outta here!
Al Davis just talks to himself, you know that right?
Al: John….John….Johnnnnnnn. Great win in the Super Bowl last year. The Radier Nation is so proud of you. You know, when you retire you should work on TV. You’d be great! In the meantime let’s extend your con….
Al’s Secretary: Mr. Davis. Time forlunch!
Al: Alright John. We’ll talk about this later.
(Al’s secretary brings in a rare steak and mashed potatoes…)
– Al blinks, takes a double take at his lunch and digs in.
Al: I’m so glad I fired that Lane Kiffin. He was all talk. Don’t you think? (leans into his picture of Mike Shanahan)
Al: You never liked that kid anyways…I know Mikey. You know, that Jamarcus Russell is a stud. I’m so glad I drafted him…and that Heyward-Bey kid. Wow! He’s slow and 3rd Round talent. Yes! Overpaying for mediocre players is so much fun!
Mike Vick needs to have a sit down with Donovan McNabb
Mike: Come on D, you know I’m not here to take your job.
Donovan: Mike, you know just as well as I do that they want to replace me with you. We’re the same player only you’re faster and I’m more successful.
Mike: Dang baby, that’s a little cold. You know I almost went to the Super Bowl once.
Donovan: Yeah, the one I actually went to…remember? We whooped your fannies in the NFC Title game!
Mike: Yeah, thanks for rubbing it in! At least I recorded the first home playoff loss in Green Bay history.
Donovan: No Mike, Brett did that all by himself.
Mike: Listen baby, for real, I ain’t trying to takeyour job, I’m just happy to be back. Forget about the fact that I went to prison for 2 years, did nothing but work out and I haven’t been injured in…forever. Why would they want me over you?
Mike Smith needs to discuss patent law with Arthur Blank...
Mike: Arthur…I’ve got an idea. I want topatent mynewend-of-game defensive strategy. I want to call it the “take this crap I give you defense.” That’s exactly what we did with Carolina and they essentially got nowhere.
Arthur: Good idea Mike. Listen, I don’t want to be pushy, but do you think you can really stick it to New England. That Robert Kraft drives me up the wall.
Mike: Sir, Tom Brady already looks old and their team is crumbling around him. They just need a little push.
Arthur: Atta boy!
Finally, Mike Singeltary gives his players a mid-week pep-talk...
Mike: Men, I wanted to congratulate you on another great win this week. As you know, I am really into reviewing the expectations of this organization. First, you do what you’re told or I’ll wring your neck. Second, you’ll work harder than you’ve ever worked in your life or I’ll wring your neck. Third, this is a team…nobody here is special? Got it?
Team: Hurrah Master Chief!
Mike: Good. To wrap this meeting up let me remind you of something. I don’t care how big you are, remember the words of the immortal Bill Cosby…I brought into this world and I can take you out! Good day gentlemen.
The Other Stuff
- The Colts held the ball for 15 minutes on Monday Night and still won. Isn’t that impossible?
- The Dolphins held the ball for 45 minutes on Monday Night and lost. Isn’t that impossible too?
- Ole Miss is playing South Carolina tonight. Shouldn’t they just change the marketing to “Ole Miss opensa can on South Carolina”? I like truth in advertising.
- Sonny Jurgenson called out Jim Zorn on his radio show in DC. Sonny’s right, Zorn’s offense stinks. However, Zorn was right too…if you go around questioning my play calling, you’re out baby! Read the exchange below:
Sonny Jurgenson first…”Third down, I’m the quarterback, and you call the halfback throwing the ball for me, I’m calling timeout or calling an audible,” Jurgensen said. “I’m not letting the halfback throw it. That’s what you pay me for.”
“Well then, I would have to take you out of the game,” Zorn countered. “As soon as you called timeout, I’d say what’s wrong with my play, because….”
“It didn’t work!” Jurgensen interrupted.
There was a long pause.
“No, but I called it to work. Alright?” Zorn said. “We called it to work. It didn’t work. There were a lot of plays out there that didn’t work. And I’d take you out of the game. Sorry, Sonny.”
- Tony Dorsett called out Tony Romo the other day. He’s allowed. I don’t even know where Romo went to college…Dorsett has a Heisman to his name…you get the idea.
- I’m wondering what will happen if the Falcons beat New England on Sunday. I mean, I totally punked Belichick in the convos, but what will REALLY happen if New England loses and goes to 1-2? How deep is that sinkhole?
- Let’s take a look at what needs to happen in Philly. Mike Vick comes in after Kevin Kolb stinks up one series…Mike Vick runs all over the place and Philly fans wonder why they didn’t run McNabb out of town sooner. Donovan was pissed…he’ll be more pissed after the game.
If I May Conclude
The NFL is getting more jacked up by the minute. MLB playoffs need to get here already, and yes, I like making fun of Al Davis.